As we continue our focus on the Family during the month of June, allow me to share with you some excerpts from a broadcast on Christ For Today on Sunday May 26.
The programme was in the form of an Interview with Rev Donovan Thomas, an Associate of the Family Life Ministries and Pastor of the Calvary Gospel Assembly, and Trevor Edwards who also serves as Chair of the JBU Family Life Commission. So here we go.
“Family as a spiritual community of partnership” How can we experience partnership in the Family? I would say in many different ways. Some of the recent trends being observed, in marriage and family have forced us to look more seriously at marriage and family life. I think particularly of recent statistics showing a decrease in the number of marriages taking place in our country. What does this really mean? Is it that more persons are opting to just ‘live together’ instead of getting married. Is there a fear with which persons are approaching the institution of marriage? If this is the case, this is not good, as many of us still believe that a stable family environment is the best place for raising healthy individuals who can contribute to a healthy and wholesome society. Many of us believe too that one of the ways to fight crime effectively is to invest in building strong families, not developing more sophisticated gadgets to fight the criminals.
So what are we about today? We are making a statement that strong marriages can be further enhanced by adequate pre-marital preparation. Prepare the couple adequately and they should have a more sustainable marriage.
In the discussion we explored four (4) main questions. I will indicate the responses under the questions
What is pre-marital counseling and why is it necessary for marriage?
It is a step of preparation for marriage. It’s an area to explore with a man and a woman what they understand marriage to be. Its finding pathways to make marriage as rich as possible and fulfilling the goal for which it was intended.
There was a time when this may not have been necessary when community life was based on solid values, fidelity, and working for the common good. Much of that has changed and what you see is not what you get so there is the need for a couple to make sure they know what they are getting into.
A couple getting married without Premarital Preparation (PM) is like putting a man and a woman in a canoe in the middle of the Caribbean Sea, without paddles and say, ‘find land”.
What would you say is the theological premise for PM preparation?
It’s a covenant. It’s not a mere contract which is transactional and has an exit clause, but it is each person committing to the good and welfare of the other regardless of the response of the other. It’s like the covenant God has with His children; God does not renege when we do wrong, but seeks a way to bring us back. It is bigger than the two people who enter it.
What are some of the main topics covered in PM counseling?
The big three are communication, money and sex. In addition is the matter of expectations. This is important as persons enter marriage with different paradigms and templates and will have expectations of the marriage and of each other based on these experiences. There is also Spiritual compatibility – the ability of the couple to work through differences. Some persons also expect the other to deliver happiness, whereas covenant is about giving. Persons should not get married for utilitarian reasons such as pregnancy, money or a visa to travel overseas.
So, if you do pre-marital counseling your marriage will never end?
No we are not saying that. There is no guarantee, but good premarital preparation prepares the couple to increase their chances of a successful marriage. The Counselor can only work with the raw material given by the couple. A person may present himself or herself in a different way than they eally are. PM preparation helps to pull out the real person. Hidden issues such as abuse, trauma and other preexisting matters need to be explored and addressed prior to the marriage.
We’re not saying that PM Counseling is a panacea, is a cure all, but persons who do participate, usually increase their chances of marital success. Where persons have the tools to negotiate a marriage, to help their commitment and strengthen their promise then there a better chance of the marriage surviving.
I believe that God wants us to have authentic relationships, and this can happen by being more intentional about them. More intentional about the vows we make in marriage and more intentional the quality of the families we create. These ought to be healthy families reflecting virtues of the kingdom of God – love, patience, respect, justice, gentleness, kindness, forgiveness and thoughtfulness.