Usually, we think about babies being born. They come into the world, are nurtured, cared for, attended to until they reach maturity and a new cycle begins.
What happens when a widow is born? That person who was married to another and the other has departed due to COVID-19, accident or a deadly disease. Recently I have been faced with the phenomenon of widowhood as there are a few persons I have discovered have been 'born' into this unwelcome phase of their lives.
What makes widowhood difficult is the fact that both partners had promised to be together until death separated them. None of them really receive this parting readily. But widowhood is a real part of our human existence. The bible speaks of special attention to be given to widows, orphans and strangers, which shows that widows are to be protected by the rest of civil society. God Himself has a special love for widows, “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling” (Psalm 68:5). The Psalmist describes God as a defender of widows. One passage related to widows in the New Testament is the tension that arose in the early church over the care provided for them. This incident led to the creation of a core of church leaders who were appointed specifically to give attention to the material needs of these women. That group of leaders included famous men like Stephen and Phillip.
When a spouse dies
After the initial loss of the partner consideration is given to a number of issues, such as the widow’s emotional state. The usual stages of grief are experienced, such as shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ultimately acceptance. There will also be the feelings of abandonment and pain.
If the relationship was good, the feelings are more intense. If the relationship was long, the grief can also be prolonged and there will be the sense of missing one’s partner for an extended period of time. When the relationship between spouses was not good then there will still be grief, but this will be compounded by a sense of incompleteness, or unfinished business. There will be the wish that they were able to get over their differences.
Sometimes the spouse’s physical death succeeded a previous emotional death which may have occurred in the marriage through divorce or separation. Can you imagine a husband dies accidently on his way from the court where he went to file a divorce petition against his wife? Can you imagine a wife having to identify the lacerated body of a spouse from whom she was estranged? Not to mention other stories of death occurring from acts of unfaithfulness.
The pain of widowhood will vary according to the cause of death of the husband.
Roller coaster and seasons
Sometimes the feelings are like a roller coaster as there are seasons of acceptance and moving on, as well as seasons of deep depression. The widow has to watch out for the anniversaries which bring hurricane-like emotional pain. The same is true for birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving and any special holidays, particularly as there were rituals developed around these special days.
When there are children, even if they try to offer comfort to the widow, the absence of the partner to share those rituals will create a void in the widows that can only be filled with intentional, mindful activities.
The pain of widowhood can also be exacerbated by discoveries after death. These may range from children of similar age to children of the marriage to business deals and contracts which are unresolved. Where there are no such complications, one’s energies can be directed towards healing from a life now broken after created intimacy.
Adjustment challenges
The adjustment challenges for a widow are difficult and vary for each person. Where there are children, they often take care of the new widow and may continue to do so depending on their family circumstances and ability. The process of adjusting to taking care of business on one’s own can be a great challenge. If the widow was the main business partner in the relationship, sometimes this continues, although it is not uncommon for a woman to just let go of those responsibilities to a child as the main motivation for doing them no longer exist. In some cases, these functions will be carried on without much interruption.
In the case where the husband was the one who carried through all these functions of paying the bills attending to maintenance and so on, the widow could find herself like a “fish out of water”. One good thing for some widows today, is that they are not completely dependent on their male partners for material support and can continue to survive. Unlike many of the biblical widows whose material wellbeing was often provided for by their husbands, hence his death very often led to poverty on their path. Naomi had to ask Ruth to leave as she could no longer care for her, nor could she produce any more husband for her. The Widow of Zarephath, had just a little food for her son and herself and then their fate depended on the termination of their food, yet her generosity to the prophet facilitated extension of her supplies. What are the strategies for coping the uncertain path of widowhood?
Strategies for coping
- It is suggested that for the special seasons and festivals, widows should prepare for these intentionally. This could include sharing with the family, finding a female friend to hang out with and do something fun together. Do not sit down and mope. Your partner would not want his widowed wife to waste away.
- Widows should not feel guilty for doing something meaningful for themselves, especially after, after a formal period of mourning. Remember your partner is gone not you. The adjustment to life without him will be tough, but make small consistent changes on the path to acceptance and healing.
- Some of the stories of widows in the bible find them giving of their service to others and the community. This is one area where many widows find meaning and fulfilment. Sharing time in the church doing good. While the widows give of their services, the church must remember to affirm and support them.
- The church could help widows to form a widows’ support group for women who have lost their partners. This group would help to deal with grief, unforgiveness, deep wounds brought from the unexpected discoveries after husband’s death and just coping with the deep sense of loss from a good marriage.
God does take care of the widows and so should we.
Trevor Edwards
Pastor BBC
July 2021